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These days i seem to be disinterested in everything. Not even games, my single piece of haven could save me. "Why you always so sian?" I'll tell you why.
My life is governed by indescribable melancholy and sadness. I'm sick of having to pretend to be happy, cheerful, playful, cheeky and childish. This is the real me. The melancholic. The cynic. The loner. The cold-heart. The thinker. I'm a contradiction. The closest word anyone got to describing me is complex. No. Nothing happened. And that could be the problem. No. I am the problem. I was born to feel this way. I feel like I'm merely waiting to die. Nothing to look forward to. No one to live for. Absolutely nothing. I just want to be alone. To live for myself. And when I've made enough money, discard everything i know and exclude everyone and maybe disappear to a foreign country. I do have friends. I've met a lot of people in my life. I enjoy meeting new people and talking. I DO go out. But i seem to be going out for the sake of going out. Have you ever felt alone even when you're surrounded by your friends, family or even your lover?
Why is it that the one thing you truly desire is always out of reach?
I am jealous and envious. There you are right in front of me. I want to say something, but all I've managed are the stuff of normal conversation. I'll tell you everything except the words that matter. We'll banter and laugh. And we can both maintain this meaningless normal relationship. But have you ever felt sad after laughing and cannot explain why? I can't pretend all the time. That is why I'm running away. I'll see you soon.
Is this it? Are we gonna lead these normal perfect ordered lives until we die? Without achieving anything great. Normal perfect marriage. Perfect family. Normal jobs with normal income. Get a car. Get a house. Go out with normal friends. Is this the meaning of our lives? Being a part of, and running the system and then die. When we die. We disappear completely. Every single thought, memory, character.. everything that constitutes our "soul" will be gone by the time that last neuron fires the last spark. Does anyone realize how short and precious our lives are? Time is running out. Do we only regret when we are dying? When we ask ourselves,"Are you satisfied with your life?" "Have you done everything you've wanted?" I wish we could all just do what we want. I don't want to care so much. Sever those chains that tie us down. Tear down those walls that we've built around us. Break all the rules society placed on you. Free yourself.
What am i seeking? Yet what am i running away from? Why am i confiding in this little piece of shit diary? Maybe I'm hoping someone will see it.. Someone least likely to read it. But please don't be alarmed and concerned. Nothing happened. I am completely calm, collected and rationale. I control my thoughts and don't let my thoughts control me. I have merely been induced to write my thoughts by my current mood.
A new chapter
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私の物語